Hey buddy, long time no see. I heard you're still using that hammer to drive nails — good choice, smart choice, gets the job done when you need it to. Slow though, yeah? Feels too slow. Wish it were faster. Right? Well hoo boy, hold onto your hat, because
I've got a hammer to sell you
The boys in the lab (of course they're all boys, haha) whipped up a new thing for us called Hammer 2, and it does exactly what you're looking for. See what happens is you use it just like any other hammer, right? Swing, hit the nail, nail goes in. Simple. But 1% of the time, bam! Hammer 2 builds the whole rest of the house for you. Ain't that nice? I've invested three billion dollars into developing Hammer 2, I'll sell them to you for peanuts — how many you want?
Oh, I forgot to mention,
That 1% of the time (that's ah, a 1-in-100 chance every swing, not guaranteed 1-per-100, you see, but with investment we wanna get up to 2% next fiscal year!), when the incredible power of Hammer 2 builds the house for you, the parts gotta come from somewhere, so we've ah, "ethically sourced" our materials from other houses in the neighborhood. Wallpaper, drywall, outlets, that sort of thing. No no, don't worry, it's just from your neighbors, nobody important. And of course because those parts come from all over, the end result won't always look like your blueprints. But that's part of the charm, right? I've invested sixteen billion American buckaroonies into Hammer 2 — that's "billion" with a "b", you get me? — and I've got your competitors rounding the block for 'em. How many you want?
Good news, buddy,
The nerds in finance just told me that we made enough from the
first round of Hammer 2
(thanks to your competitors, I should add), that we can
give you a whole pile of 'em for free. Not forever,
obviously, we'll check back in a month or two, but yeah go on
you can take 'em now. That's free money for you! Now ah,
obviously, we'll own the rights to whatever you make with
Hammer 2 during this trial period. Just business, you
understand, you're a smart cookie. We probably won't do
anything with it, it's just something the suits upstairs
insisted on, since we're giving you the awe-inspiring power of
Hammer 2 for free and all. Have you seen our latest ad on
the TV? "The power of the future," they're calling it, hell of a
thing, that's why I'm investing 30bil in it this week. Thing of
the future! How many you want?
Say what you want,
but Hammer 2 is here to stay, buddy! Everyone's saying it now — not just your competitors, but your aunts and uncles and cousins and everyone you knew in high school is gaga for Hammer 2. You got yours yet? Build any good houses lately? It'll build those for ya, you know, about 1% of the time. Sure, the other 99% is just as difficult, but the boys in the lab (obviously they're boys, haha) promise me we're gonna get to 2% real soon, and you don't wanna get left behind, do ya pal? I just put in another thirty B's into it, did you hear on the news? Hammer 2 ain't going nowhere, that's what I always say. How many you want?
Don't get left behind, pal,
I just dropped another fifteen big ones into a new Hammer 2 factory out east — no, haha, not one of the places you care about — and thanks to that we've added a feature to Hammer 2 where it can remove nails, too! How about that, huh? Ever heard of a hammer that can do that? Didn't think so. Sure, yeah, what they said in the news is true, every nail driven by Hammer 2 does carry a 1% risk of taking all the nails out of a random house near the factory, but it's not like anyone you know lives there! Who lives there, anyway? No one who's invested in Hammer 2, I'll tell you that much, otherwise they'd have at least three houses by now! Everyone who's anyone is using them now, did you see that tweebop the president just posted on bluzzit? Brand new capital building, just like that! Whole damn country's investing a hundred billion into Hammer 2 next week to make sure the boys in blue (obviously they're men, haha) have bigger, bolder stations to keep them safe from whatever this noise I keep hearing about on the news is. The next state over's already sending us six billion from their own budget, asking for more Hammer 2. How many you want?
We're growing money on trees over here,
let me know when you're in town next, champ, I want to introduce you to our board of trustees. Yeah, six of the boys (obviously they're boys, haha), my ride-or-dies from the last couple startups. Real great guys, only a couple of them are pedophiles I'm pretty sure. Great taste in cars! You like boats? We're having a party out on the Hammer 2 mega yacht next week, would love to have you there if you can make it. Did you see the pleewips on scroodle I just posted of it? Hell yeah, bud! That's what I'm talking about! Couldn't have done any of this without Hammer 2. I swear, if you just figure out the right way to hit the nail, that 1% chance will come up for you every time, bro. That's the thing about these people complaining that it's "not working" for them, they just don't understand the fine art of Hammer 2! They've got small minds, bro! Nobody's losing their job because of Hammer 2, if anything it will create jobs for people who know how to finesse it! Smart people like you, buddy! That's why I wanted to turn you onto Hammer 2 this whole time, it's because people like us are the future. Hammer 2 is changing everything, pal, it's here to stay, and we're gonna ride it all the way to the top.
So, uh, how many you want?
Slow down, buddy, what do you mean,
"Not up to code?" what are you talking about, "building codes"? What even is that? Oh, you think there are rules for making houses now? Since when? Get real, bud, the only rules are the ones you listen to, and Hammer 2 proves that those rules should only be written by people like us. Because we get it! We obviously know how houses should be built, look at all this money we've invested in Hammer 2! Would idiots who don't know how to build houses do that? Don't make me laugh. If we were idiots who didn't know how to build houses, would we be putting in a trillion dollars to take Hammer 2 to the next level this year? Yeah, you heard me, we're working on Hammer 3 already. Hammer 3's gonna build stuff you can't even dream about if you're not someone like us, pal. Only people with vision can get into what Hammer 3 will offer them, it's going to be off the scales. How many you want?
Last chance to act, pal!
OK buddy, this is the moment: we're real excited for the launch of Hammer 3, and the boys in the lab (obviously they're boys, haha) are telling me that Hammer 4 is going to be literally the shit. We're talking 5% odds, bud. Yeah. What we need from you now is a commitment. Because if you're not in, all the way, right now, we don't think you'll be able to keep up with where we're going. We need you to prove to us that you're committed to Hammer 2, you understand. We need investment from you. And if you're in, you're in! We'll make sure you're on the ground floor of all the new possibilities we build together with, who knows, maybe even Hammer 5? We're building a better world, bro, but it's all gotta start here. The prices for Hammer 2 are going up, so you can really prove you're in, that you're like us, by getting some now. I promise it's worth it. I promise.